The Swan
by wally4ever
Summary: The slightly skewed and lengthened Jessswan encounter in the episode Swan Song. one shot.


AN: Obviously, you can tell I'm bored.

Disclaimer: no comment

It was a hard day, and on any hard day, all anyone wants to do is relax. So that was what I was going to do. It was simple, go to the lake, chill a little bit, and _relax_. It wasn't a hard concept to grasp. I was tired. _Tired. _

I decided to sit on the bridge and soak in the silence that was the lake. A bird chirped of in the distance and I smiled in satisfaction that my plan was working. It was awesome, the bird, the fresh air, and the water, all combined for the make of perfect bliss, if only Rory was here.

I was pushing my hands down and lend back, when I heard the most annoying sound on the face of the planet. It was hisses, and grunts, and something else, but I was too ticked off to care what it was. I was here to relax, not get further annoyed by something with the same brain functions as Lillian Jean, the little girl that insisted that I smile one time, or else she would cry. Me being me, I didn't smile, so she cried. Oh my God! Is that thing ever going to _shut up!_

So, I turned around to see what the hell that thing was, compendia? But, to my surprise, it was this huge swan. A swan, hissing, that still isn't right, and it wasn't then either. So I thought to myself, maybe it is just hissing at some fish dumb enough to get a swan angry. Does that sound weird to anyone, an angry swan? Anyway, I turned around and waited for it to cut down the noise level, but the S.O.B. kept on going. What? Was the bird suffering from ADD? Because, from my experiences, swans are generally very quiet and happy over ground geese. That's just me, but I don't know, everyone has their own opinion.

So, I turn around, and WACK! The fat goose nails me in the face. I don't want it to think it had won, so I grab its swig-ish neck and pull it towards me, resulting in the bird to come out of the water by it kicking itself onto the bridge. To paint the picture, guy holds bird by neck, bird wails and kicks guy repeatedly. Okay?

So, I take my hand that wasn't around the bird's neck and closed its mouth. The bird's glares at me, a swan glaring, and I yell at it, "Who's your daddy?" The bird gets its mouth out of my grasp, and then bites my hand. That thing can bite too. Do birds have teeth? I remember watching National Geographic, and they said something about birds and teeth.

Moving on, I yelped out let go of the swan. The swan backs off, and before I know it, an invisible circle is drawn out around us, and Japan comes to Stars Hollow. It was the creepiest thing ever. Forget Mike Meyers, the bird went into the sumo wrestling position. It puffed out air from its beck, spread out its legs, stuck out its wings to maximum proportion, did some imitation Indian war call, and charged at me!

I didn't know what to do at the time. My blood pumped faster through my veins, my breath became shallow, and as the birdzilla closed in on me, I took one step to the right, and pushed it. But then, the bird spread outfits wings and flew before it could touch the water, and went in my direction. The hell was its problem?

And I came here to _relax. _

So, I knew it, I was a goner. The bird maybe had two seconds from hitting me. I said a small one tenth of a second prayer, saluted to the heavens, and closed my eyes, waiting for impact. But it never came. So instinctively, I open my eyes to see what had happened; maybe the freak of nature's heart couldn't take it. When I opened them, right there in front of me, like the waste of life it is, the swan is maybe, I don't know, one, one and a half inches from my face.

I took a step behind me, and fall back into the lake. Will the dirty little bastard ever quit? Apparently not, because he dived into the lake. Literally, he, or she . . . disappeared beneath the dark surface that is the lake. So frantically turned my head from side to side, hoping on finding the freak. Unfortunately, I cannot find him anywhere in sight.

Then, it happened! Some force bit down on the end of my pant leg, and pulled me down. I kicked and took a deep breath, before I went underneath the water. What was up with that wacko?

My lungs started to ache after a minute of staying down there. On another day, I may have stayed down longer, but when something is deliberately pulling you down, your lungs aren't at their best. So, I started to frantically kick and wave my arms around. The swan let go, and I swam up to the surface. When I broke through the water and into the air, I gulped in plentiful amounts of oxygen. Not wanting to experience that again, I quickly made my way to the bridge, and hoisted myself up and onto the nailed together pieces of wood, and kissed it. I lay myself down on it and place my arms over and back my head, like I was lifting something up. I heard a splash in the water, but was too tired to move. I hear something rubbery and wet slap on the boards of the bridge, then something that must have weighted a ton walked on me. When it took its first step on my stomach, it felt as if the wind was knocked out of me.

I looked up, and I was met with equally dark eyes. They were beady, and evil. It was the swam. Except, I think it sprouted some heads became I wasn't seeing double, but triple.

"No. No, no, no, no." I whined as it settled on me and sat its obese bottom on me.

The swan, I think, looked at me and felt sorry. But that's just a hunch; I don't really fell like going back to the lake right now and ask it. When I thought it was going to just get off me and let me rot, it pulled back its head and wacked me just below my eye. I moaned in pain, and the bird walked off of me, and smirked! I didn't think it could smirk, but, it could.

I heard a splash in the water. A few minutes later of me turning from side to side, holding me in the fetal position, touching my eye to make sure it was there, I grudgingly got up, and made my way to the diner.

Great, now I have to get ready for that Friday night dinner thing Rory wants me to go to. And once I got to the diner and upstairs the apartment, the TV was on with an Aflac commercial. I swear it winked back at me. Though, it winks all the time, right?

All I wanted to do was relax.

AN: review!


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